I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize
