I wish my penis had an off switch
I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
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