so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
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