i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
Anal astronaut?
Wow word travels fast.
People with herpes should wear stickers.
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Woke up with a throbbing vagina and a lesbian in my bed. Then for the hell of it we had morning sex. Definitley bisexual now
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
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