The worlds most fuckable chipmunk
OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
margarita monday on the first day back? my gpa is telling me noo! but my heart is telling me goo! I am conflicted..
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
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