I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
Randomize
