Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
I think we should get high on adderall and nair each other again for New years.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
He's a Republican and an Ohio State fan idk how far this can go.
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
