Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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