i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
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