Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
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