Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
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