forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
No, computers are like whores. moody bitches that cost too much and no matter how much protection you have you can still get a virus
You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
The only good thing about ohio is that i can get 2 half gallons of soco for 40 bucks
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
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