my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
