My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Randomize
