I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
well shes beginning to earn a reputation as "the girl who tries to bone her hook ups in the ass with a pickle"
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
Randomize
