Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
there are casual beer cans in all of the public trashes, i belong here
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
Randomize
