you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
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