There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
Quick, to the slutcave!
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
It's like the sisterhood of the traveling vaginas over here
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
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