I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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