***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
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