i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
