I'm walking behind a man wearing a womans shirt, heels, mens pants and a baseball hat
no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
he has officially spend more money on me than any other boy. and its all gone to plan b. awesome.
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
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