first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
Randomize
