at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
Randomize
