I thought she had more class and brains than to date a complete numb-nut, drug addict, fuck up like him. People never cease to amaze me
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
its one thing to be single and another thing to be single and then have your profile picture be of you and the cat
your picture is with misty too!!
I AM SINGLE BY CHOICE
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
Randomize
