dude im shwasted, kabul is not the best place for this
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
please visit steve this weekend, he is getting mature and responsible and shit which scares me.
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
Randomize
