I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
Randomize