I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
so when we got to the frat house he had a travel sized toothpaste and toothbrush for me and gave me a pair of his shorts and a girl's sorority t shirt...something tells me he's done this before
I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
Randomize
