I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
I didn't realize how trashy of a night we had.
Welllll, you did eat a cherry out of my pussy. So I think that classes it up a little.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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