On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
just taught 3 girls from korea how to fist pump on chat roulette.
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
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