hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
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