I wish my penis had an off switch
Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
I just sat through a State Farm mortgage Insurance commercial to watch a Trick Daddy video. Is this the target audience they are going for here?
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
Randomize
