so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
Its about making memories worth repressing
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Randomize
