some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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