I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
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