rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Randomize
