thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
I gave him a bj as a thank you for helping. I think that's good.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
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