You have problems? I'm 20 years old and i'm balding
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Randomize
