I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
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