beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
11am puke and rally. THIS is what I'm gonna miss about college.
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
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