My girlfriend figured out who you are.
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
Same here... Well I was planning on having some sort of deep conversation, but looking at how grim of an outlook tomorrow has on you, I'll just re-inform you that I have your pants.
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
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