He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
bruce springsteen sings some of the most romantic songs i've ever heard.
the hells wrong with u
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
Randomize
