I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
Randomize