guy in front of me on the bus did 12 yrs, hes teling me about how to knife fight
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
Haha o man how much you've grown. From beer bonging wine and wearing cargo shorts to well, beer bonging beer and wearing cargo shorts
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
Randomize
