Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
Please call us Steph is okay but missing phone wallet tooth
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize