she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
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