my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
I meant the "stage" gay, Not the "bend me over and call me Gary" gay.
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
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