when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
Couch. On fire.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Randomize
