if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
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