sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Randomize
