I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
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