Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize