Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
I gave him a blowie and after he said he wanted to send a giftbasket to the girl we met through.
i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
