His vagina is bleeding blood all over the court
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
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