I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
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