Uggggg i want to leave and get bombed over baghdad
i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
Last night she walked off and disappeared from everyone got home at 330 and said she went to the casino with her cab driver.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
Randomize
