CAN CRIS ANGEL JUST LOOK NORMAL FOR ONCE?!
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
