my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
Not sure. No solid plans. Just tanning nude.
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
I need a burrito and a hug.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
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