i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
Randomize
